I am sober. I don’t drink. It’s not because I don’t like to have a drink occasionally. It’s not because I have a problem drinking and am an alcoholic. I don’t drink because just when I think an ice-cold glass of Honey Weiss beer on a really hot day or a glass of red wine sounds like it would taste good with a steak, suddenly I’m flooded with intense, sickening and vomiting type of emotions and memories of the things we endured with a family member. Watching him commit suicide with endless drinking, drugs and self-destructive behavior and destroying our sweet little family…No he’s not dead but he’s no longer here with us. I suddenly lose all desire and taste. It’s just not worth the pain. I don’t smoke never have and never will. Can’t stand the smell of any smoke… even campfire smoke kind of bothers me… I have never taken any other type of drug and never will. NO desire to get high! I’m not on any medications. I’m not depressed. My way of dealing with it is to walk through the fire like pain and then come out on the other side of the fire and endure that smokey smoldering area until new green growth grows. It gives me hope with scars. I feel it makes me stronger. I talk about working through my emotions like walking through a fire and leaving you so burned, raw, open and exposed. It’s not easy. It would be so much easier to numb the pain with something just to get through… but then I might become dependent. NOT for ME! I watched to many be dependent that I really dearly care about. It hurts to stand there and watch and be powerless to help. I refuse to go there.
There are those that will heal with their kind expressions (words or gestures) and there are those that throw acid on your raw wounds. There are those that just neutralize and stand aloof not knowing what to do or say. You do heal with the open sores sort of but it is with painful scars that cause PTSD like symptoms when pricked or touched. I filter now what people to me say. I do this in a very unique kind of way. UH! OH! I rhymed and in my head I hear my kids laughing!!! (Inside joke). I cherish the kind healing like words yet they don’t fix anything. They don’t really help change anything in my life but it makes you feel less alone. When your friend/family member breaks down and holds you and cries with you and feels your pain. You feel like they really do care. It just makes you feel a little bit loved. I excuse the neutralizers as either being ignorant of my situation and/or not knowing what to say. And I applaud them for not making it worse. And maybe just maybe they to feel it but are not willing to expose their raw emotions because they think it will damage us and we need a kind of strength around us and they don’t think its good for us to see them cry. And they are unable to offer the strength they think we need. So it’s ok. We understand this. There is not harm done. And I have learned to forgive and forget those that open the raw sensations!!! Like the sand rubbed in open sores. These have even accused me of things that are so far out and at first it hurts and cuts deep. Then you realize its best to let it go. It’s not worth the added pain. Feel the pain for the true real things that are going on. Save it for those deep raw emotions you can’t fix or change and hope to heal it. Don’t let those hurtful words stick with you. Forgive and forget. It saves my energy for the things that really truly matter.
I have had the worse week in quite a while with bad news all at once and no sleep and stress on how to take care of my kids and provide alone. My kids are my world!!!!! I adore them every day and no one can figure out how I keep going! I have not truly cried my eyes out and sobbed all night in quite a while. But last night I did… All night! The all out sobbing and shaking. I could not even utter words. I could not even speak a sentence. Like a wounded animal I even pushed my Symone and Colten away… or at least I tried. No kids should have to hold their mom when she can’t get it together. (I’m so sorry Symone and Colt. I’m proud today how you said to me then and today as I was going to work that we have never been left. That God has always been there and will work it out. I did not get it then. I could not get it then. I was in so much pain and so stressed nothing penetrated… I’m so sorry! But tonight I do get it. Tonight feels much better.)
I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I wake up and shake with terror from the dreams that really were not dreams at all but I’m reliving horrible scenes in my life while sleeping. I wake up thinking “whew! I was just dreaming” but then reality hits me hard in my gut and chest like a boulder slamming me down. I realize these actually happened or are happening. I remember talking with one of Kodi’s Doctors about this… He said to me he had nightmares of what was happening to Kodi. Yes they happen less and less often. But sometimes it comes back in my sleep and I wake up in a panic. I’m lost can’t figure out where I am and I’m sobbing and shaking. But then I remember that was a couple of years ago and we are hopefully forever past that horrid scene! But there are things that I can’t get rid of. I can’t heal my aching heart. I hate that I can’t heal it. I hate it that this ache is there even when I’m all out laughing and rolling on the floor with my kids all hysterical with giggles over something that cracks us all up. I get slammed with the intense ache that feels like someone cut my heart in half. I try to hide. I know sometimes Symone and Colt will catch the quick flash in my eyes of a memory because they will suddenly mention the person or the experience that cuts me to pieces. I wonder if others ever notice that in me… Or is it just my kids because they lived it too… If others do notice they don’t speak up like my kids do… I take a slow deep breath and try to find fresh air. But sometimes I wallow in it just enough to see if the pain is still as painful… Yep! It’s still there. By the way, the deep breath is like breathing fresh air on a burn. I helps cool it off… Have you ever noticed when someone gets that little bit of a pain they take a slow deep breath to keep from losing it??? I’m very aware! It happens to me all too often!!! It’s amazing how many times I see that exact action in people around me. My heart aches for them. It makes me wonder what is it they just recalled? What has caused that much pain?
I have not had the guts to write about some of them yet. Some of the absolutely worst things I have ever seen and experienced were in my life happening to my loved ones. I try really hard to be like an M&M. Hard outer shell. But my inner core melts easily if something cracks that shell. You know I’m cracking when I get tears filling my eyes. Most people change the subject because they don’t really want to see that deep pain. Like they are afraid to see it. Don’t be afraid. Maybe just maybe that person just really feels glad inside someone saw that flash of pain. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel it sometimes. That pain sometimes needs to come out to avoid an infection. It can fester and brew if it never escapes. I notice this with my kids. It also lets me know I’m still very much alive. I hate the pain but just like a person will pinch themselves… you get the picture. I’m not really numb… just trying to hide out…
My healing ointment? First God’s own word. Second? My kids! Nothing grabs me like them all giggling and laughing like when they were little at some funny thing. Kodi too. I have no idea what is going on in that sweet little hard head of his. But he does think of the most funny things and his giggle is so out there and real and infectious. It’s impossible to be mad at him or not fall deeply in love with him. He just grabs you by the heart and pulls you right in. People all over love this kid and yet he does not know who they are or how to really communicate much to/with them. But he does feel and there are those that he refuses to go near or too. He will consistently push them away. He feels something about them he does not like.
Kodi was in school and had an ok day. He was so sweet when I got home. He put his hand on my face after feeling my ring. Poor little guy. He also head-butted Colt and chipped Colts tooth. Symone came home from school her head hurt so bad. She was absolutely in so much pain. Thank you so much Sarah!!! I did not know what to tell her. She didn’t think she could get home on her own. Dizzy!!! Concussions take time.
I need to express to my closest family members thank you so much for your love and support. Mom for calling about insurances for me since kids are losing theirs, late night talks, movies, giggles, tears, nights by my side crying with me, enduring so much pain yourself and the lack of dignity you have with your horrid disease, and so much more…. Dad for all the times fixing my car problems that are getting very daunting, tears, pain and EVERY THING, still our compass pointing us North!…… my sister (in-law) closest thing I have to a sister… for the healing power walk/runs in the back woods where we burn off all our emotions, frustrations (calories) for the sweet things you do every day that you think go unnoticed!!! … my big little brother for the phone calls, drives, sleepless nights, running to us to help and the weirdest times, and to my two amazing, beautiful, sweet adorable nieces. You are precious to me. I can not tell you how much I adore you. The fun times we had when your mom and dad had to go to Mexico, the week of homework and then fun… the ski trips and the water parks, the treasure hunts and DeafBlind conferences… the giggles and late night stories… I love all the kick ball games in Nana and Papa’s back yard, the baseball games in both our towns, the riding on sleds behind the 4-wheeler, the snowmobile rids with “yellow” glasses. the list could go on and on… The love you all give to me, my Symone, Colten and Kodiak are something I will never ever forget… EVER!!! NO NEVER!! And I CRINGE with all the times we have been in so much pain… or when Kodi has hurt you and broke things… I’m so sorry!!! I love and adore you all… Your painful tears and sadness are never too much for me to bear. So don’t ever hold back the tears on my behalf… Just remember when you do you show you care. Love you all!!! Besides. It helps to know I’m not the only one that cries at times…
Then to my two grandma’s… My dearest darlings… I’m sorry for all the trouble I cause you as a kid… 🙂 Well ok maybe not 100 percent 🙂 But I’m so sorry for the things you go through. I wish I could help you out so much more. I know you worry about us. Thank you but we will be ok. We love you and pray for you everyday. I love love love you so much and respect you for everything you have had to suffer in your life and still are here fighting. You are very tough beautiful ladies! You passed it on… I have very strong parents and look where I am. But it’s also what you taught me about God and passed on to us that gives me the most strength. I love and respect you for that always!!!
So where do I go from here? We “just keep swimming” each day and find a thing to laugh at. Some days are very difficult to find even one thing. Those days then we have to tickle Kodi a little to hear his wild infectious laugh and then we can at the very least smile.We just find things to laugh at every day and I love being with my kids!!! Not all parents love to just hang out with their kids.
Thanks for checking in and reading… Again… If you know someone who suffers in some way… reach out to them… you have my permission for forward this on… They need to know you care about them. Don’t let them down without telling them. You never know when it’s your last chance! Live, Laugh, Love…. through the pain and remember if a person suffering cancer, a disease, a disability or is DeafBlind and can’t communicate is able to do this you can too… Find your passion. Live. Find something to really laugh at every day. Laugh. Love something or some one. Love.
Good night! I will not cry tonight. I have walked through that fire and am in the smoke waiting for it to clear.
This made me laugh today: 5 very different little people… 5 very different laughs… 5 very precious kids, 5 very loving kids, 5 the very perfect number… 🙂