Kodiak is OFF right now!

posted in: Kodiak My Little Grizzly | 9

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All Kodiak wanted to do was cuddle!!! Well he was playing with his hands and then put his hand out like he felt or sensed something was there… Like my iPhone to snap a photo? But it was almost as if to say “Stop it guys! I don’t feel good! Leave me alone!!!” And he snuggled closer to me as if to say “I just want my mom!”

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I think he has a sinus infection… I’m seeing gross signs of it!!! And then he is crying really hard and then He giggles like two minutes later. Then hitting his eyes. However my kids pointed out he will now lay on the floor with out slamming his head. That only took 4 years to cure!!!! Why I didn’t notice I have no idea. Maybe I try hard not to remember the horrific things I have seen and try to look at all the positives… But I can’t seem to always acknowledge the good because just when I do it proves to be very short-lived!!!! 🙁
So I work hard not to draw attention to much. Just for the sake of peace and to appreciate the good.

I came across a lady recently that told me how she used to see so well. Then her eyes grew dim. I’ve heard this before from many elderly except she was my age. And then to make it worse she was not only talking about her eyesight but also her will to live. She said she always loved bright colors, and to paint and watch sunrises and sunsets. She thinks now it was watching all of them that caused her vision to darken. She said when she can’t see color anymore she doesn’t want to live because it was where her joy always has been. I told her Kodiak used to see. He used to see in color and his favorite was yellow. The happy color! The color of sun. She smiled and said “Mine too!” She got tears in her eyes and said “Can he see at all?” I said that he couldn’t anymore but that he was a very happy boy most of the time. She asked me how this could be? I told her how he went into a kind of depression… But more like he was terrified to move or go anywhere and lost interest in doing anything. But that now he explores and giggles and laughs. Just then as if on cue he decided we were standing there, way too long! He let go of me and his cane and twirled in a circle and giggled. His picked up his cane and got all silly and began to walk all over, alone with his cane! She was amazed! She said “I need to learn from that little boy! I will remember him and this moment always!” She reached out to him and he held her hand. She cried. I wanted to ask her number, I wanted to give mine. But it almost felt like it would only cheapen the moment. I just felt compelled to let her do the asking the leading of the conversation. She let go of his hand got off the bench she was sitting on and went into her doctor’s appointment. We took the elevator up to Kodiak’s. I could kick myself for not doing so. I have no way of finding out. But I could see clearly that she was depressed from the turn of events in her life. I wanted to give her hope. I wanted to share with her good things but it was almost like her and Kodi were sharing more and I was just an outsider and I was not being heard. Almost like he understood her more than I did and that he felt the proper compassion. But also it showed her life will be ok. She will find joy. I have thought on this moment twice since and it is like I couldn’t put it into words the strange outsider feeling and the fact what was said didn’t matter but it was Kodi’s joy, his gentle touch and taking her hand like he was her friend forever that was a moment I couldn’t do or say anything to change minds one way or the other. She too had a cane. But could still see. I hope some day to meet up again. I almost felt as though she didn’t really want to talk to me but just wanted to have the human touch of a little hand of someone so happy despite being blind. I don’t even remember if I told her he is also deaf. I hope her tears of sadness fade and she once again finds joy in living. I just hope she can!

Anyway, I’ve thought about this and wondered if I should put this in. I decided to. She did know his name. She may some day find this post before she loses her vision completely and maybe will find us. If not I hope she finds her will to live. I know life can seem dim and bleak at times. But maybe she can make art with textures that people of all ages and Vision or not can also feel and enjoy! The even dumber thing? I didn’t ask her name. She asked what Kodi’s was and I didn’t even tell mine! But it was almost like if I had she would not have remembered mine. I was not the important one.

So people on common ground form a specific bond. They take from it what they each need. They find the encouragement to move on and find comfort. Even though her and I were the same age the bond was not girls of our age, us at doctors visits, etc. Here is was all about vision loss and the loss and regaining the will to go on living. A weakness that the younger hopefully strengthened the older. The one living, laughing and loving life in total blindness teaching the older with poor vision to find that will to live, laugh and love! I hope so much she has a family that would give her all the comfort she needs. But for some reason I couldn’t get that out of my head! Was it all the beautiful photos of the snow storms? The birds? The flowers from warmer places? It also makes me ponder how Kodiak really feels. If only I could ask my little grizzly. Now My little grizzly fell fast asleep.

On a different note? Colt was supposed to clean his room. This is what he from his room texted me instead:::

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Boys will be boys! But the perspective of the photos is cool! He took them himself!

Good night my 3 little bear cubs! Your mom is very tired. The weekend will bring much warmer weather. I’m sure all remaining snow will be gone.

I will continue to monitor my youngest to see if any sort of signs of fever etc kicks in. For now we wait.

Tha is for stopping by!

9 Responses

  1. It sounds as if Kodiak and mama bear DID give her hope. LOVE the bubble!

    • I really hope so! It was so hard to find the words of what I actually witnessed. I had to ponder it awhile and try to think about what it really was. She was sitting on that bench by the elevator… We let the elevator go because she reached out. But why was she sitting there and it was after that she went in to her appointment. But I almost felt unwelcome. It was Kodiak she wanted to see. Her tears, her shaky hand until Kodiak held it, her head turning away from me when I did answer like what I said was too painful to except… I don’t know… Whatever it was I just hope she is ok.

      • Maybe she was sitting out on the bench because she was not comfortable sitting inside with others. Maybe there was something that just ‘made’ her sit there, because the meeting with Kodiak is what she was waiting on. We don’t know. But from the way you did explain it, what was supposed to happen, did. I think she spoke volumes to you by saying what she did about meeting him. ANd his laugh and twirling? Is there any way you could have MADE that happen at that moment? I read this and felt like that meeting was supposed to happen. And Kodiak was a gift to her.

  2. What a touching moment with that lady!! I love your appreciation of it and how you were worried that exchanging numbers might cheapen the moment. I wondered if it would too? Maybe the lady’s memory of that moment will be enough? Loved this post:)))

    • Oh! Thank you! My other reply shows more of my struggle. I just hope I read it right. It’s one of those things you wonder if you should say anything ever because you are not really sure what you witnesses. And the more I think on it I can’t figure out why she was sitting there. Like was she nervous? Did she know she was getting bad news? Was she already there and went out to think about a decision and then went back in? So much I don’t know and so I was not sure I should say anything. Not sure I’m even close to reading it right. I just hope she is ok.

  3. I bet that lady will be OK. I think she got lots of hope from your little guy 🙂

  4. Your humble attitude is an awesome and beautiful thing! I was born with a sight-threatening disease and know full-well what it’s like to freak-out over that type of loss… And I believe God brings moments like these together and teaches us through them. Whoever and wherever this woman is, I’ll be remembering her (and you) in prayer ❤

  5. What an amazing little boy. And mom!