Sleep

posted in: Kodiak My Little Grizzly | 2

Tuesday nights are hard because we do not have a night like the other 6 nights if the week. By all rights the last few Tuesdays Kodi has been wild. Last night was no different in that sense but he fell asleep in my arms at about 8:35 pm. He slept all the way home and after we put him into bed. He was out all night and at 5:45 am is still asleep.
Yesterday he was at home with PCA and Intervenors. Today is a school day. I’m not sure how he will be today. We will find out.
I got difficult mail last night so I didn’t sleep all night. People keep telling me there are grants, help for us and Kodi out there. People tell me I did the right thing to get us away from danger and to be safe. I’m finding all help to be allusive. Nothing but dead ends. Instead all the help I do get disappears like dry ice. You have it for a while. I knew it would be this difficult. I knew the reality of it. Yet living with what we were living with, as difficult as it was, in many ways easier than what I’m living now. Symone and Colt lose insurance now. I lose intervenors, and respite. I have to work but then if I don’t I get help. But then if I don’t I get threats. It’s never-ending. I’m doing the so-called “right” thing. But is it?
My kids are home alone more than I want them to be. I don’t make enough and then I make just a little too much.
I don’t get child support and then I get child support. I report changes to thin air because people don’t do their jobs and/or get fired we pay the consequences. This whole mess is we are trying to do what is right but pay the consequences of others mistakes. I’m tired of paying consequences of mistakes of others. I’m tired of telling my kids no to things because I’m flat-out exhausted, can’t afford it or just because of the complicated life we have. Kodi is getting bigger and heavier. Carrying my sleepy boy pulls my arms out of socket in shoulders, elbows and wrists. What am I going to do as he gets bigger. He is getting a lot stronger. We have been so hurt by him. I love my kids so much. They are my life. These concerns kept me from sleeping all night.

Well, gotta run. I have to get to work.

20121219-060910.jpg

2 Responses

  1. Barb Zilmer

    Beautiful pic of you and Kodi:)